we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
