Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
