I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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