Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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