The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
