I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
