Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
