If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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