You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
