I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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