I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
