we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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