The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
