I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
