it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
