u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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