FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
