Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
