I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
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She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
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University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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