i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
