i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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