woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
