Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
