I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
