I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
