theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it hurts more in the daytime
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
