I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
