hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
