I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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