how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
