I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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