i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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