i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
