I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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