i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
