My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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