put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
