i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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