The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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