My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
