I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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