That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
