I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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