sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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