i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
