mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
