Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
