i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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