i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
