oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
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I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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This can only be settled by a dance off.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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