he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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