Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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