Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
