My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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