please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
