I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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