Where are you?
In a non slutty way
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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