I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
