Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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